Toxic Masculinity

Toxic Masculinity

My darling boys,

The world wants to tell you that there is something wrong with you. You are being taught that you have to fit into a box. To conform to their dreams for you.

You are hearing how men are the problem. We are facing an influx of toxic masculinity and have created all of the evil in the world. Men have ruined our planet and created this evil society and now it is time for women to take over. Better step aside and let us handle this. But oh, while we’re doing that, don’t you dare show any sensitivity or break outside of the mould that we expect you to grow in. Boys must man up and men must step down.

I want you to know that this is simply NOT TRUE and this rhetoric is damaging. The world is filled with incredible men that are making it a better place and are doing so in a unique, authentic, loving way.

Many of the problems that we are facing today come from an imbalance in the energies that we hold within all of us and the cultural paradigm that we have operated from for so many years called “the patriarchy”. Now “paradigm” is just a fancy word for a model of beliefs that we have held as a society. 

There are four types of energy that we can hold within us – the wounded or toxic masculine, the wounded or toxic feminine, the divine masculine and divine feminine. I have to be really clear here. When I say masculine, I do not mean only men. All of us, men and women, boys and girls, have access to both the wounded and divine masculine and feminine energy. 

The wounded masculine may be forceful, dominating, overthinking, over-doing, controlling and demanding, whereas the wounded, or toxic feminine, will repress the truth, feel unworthy, live from shame and guilt, have weak boundaries, be co-dependent and sometimes manipulative, frequently apologise and over explain a lot. 

The divine, or sacred, masculine is present, aware and structured. He will hold space and be very discerning and decisive with a clear purpose in life. The divine or sacred feminine is expressive and creative and relies a lot on intuition. She is connected with love and compassion and is free-flowing and radiant. 

For too long we have let wounded or toxic masculinity and feminine control our world. By doing this, we have been forced to push forward at all times, suppress emotions and compete/dominate at all costs. We have been taught to pursue growth and money without thought to the consequences and then feel guilt and shame about our behaviours.

Because we have only operated from that energy, our bodies can’t keep up any more. We see this coming out in stress, burnout, depression, anxiety, martyrdom and addictions. 

What we need right now is a rise in the divine energy in BOTH genders so that the sacred masculine and feminine energies can work in unison. 

This does not mean “turning boys into girls”, but we do need to accept that one reason that the suicide rates are so high for teenage boys is that we have taught them to “man up” and suppress their emotions from such a young age. Boys can be tough, and play rough & tumble, enjoy sports. They can also cry, and be great artists or dancers, and embrace their creative side. We need to stop holding them back from the greatness that they can achieve and allow them to access the beauty of the polarised divine energies inside.

Look, your mother is a feminist, that much is true. I am also a masculinist (I might have just made that up!). I believe in equality for all and that starts by lifting our boys in the same way that we do for our girls. 

Yes, women have been suppressed for centuries by the patriarchy and are starting to reclaim some of the power and equality that they deserve, but I am afraid that the pendulum is swaying too far in the other direction. I am speaking to you today my darlings to say that I don’t want to see this happen. 

I believe that lifting one gender while demonising another is dangerous. We will only reach the bright world that I see for your future if both the divine masculine and divine feminine rise in all of us and are given an equal chance at the table. If we stand together, balanced with our own ying/yang energies, we can forge a world rebuilt on collaboration, love and truth. Where respect for all humans, creatures and the planet is central to all decisions made and where we give and take resources in a sustainable, enriching way. 

Less hate, more love. 

Less toxicity, more acceptance.

Less ‘man up’, and more leaning in to the truth of our souls.

That is the world that I am building for you. And I know that there will be no stopping us once we allow ourselves to get there

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To My Boys: Feelings

I know that our world shuns boys expressing feelings and shedding tears. I know that you are afraid. Afraid of the shame and the name calling and the laughter. I know that you are afraid of being rejected and so you swallow those tears down. Lumps in your throat the size of a tennis ball, but still we push it down. 

I know that when you fall in the playground, you scramble to your feet hoping that no-one saw you. Your knees stinging, you blink back the tears. If anyone asks, you mumble that you are fine. “I took it like a man, miss”, boys are taught to reply.

I am here today to tell you why it is good to feel. This is LIFE. It is what we are here for. It is beautiful – all of it. The raw tears. The feet stamping anger and the uncontrollable joy. The full spectrum of light and rain/love and hate.

This is why I am teaching myself to feel it all. I have two beautiful boys and you need me to show you how to play on the full spectrum of emotions. You have a calling and a purpose in this world and unless you are able to listen in to your heart, you cannot embrace that. You also need to feel for yourself. To be truly happy. Because you really deserve every happiness in the world.

Learning to feel really will help to heal the world. It is so divided right now. Whilst everyone is arguing about surface level differences, no-one is looking underneath at the scared, sad children trapped and unheard inside. When we embrace and love that little boy or girl, we can learn to show empathy and love to our fellow humans and the planet and start to heal our differences. 

So use me, let me be your safe space to let your emotions out. Stamp your feet, scream and cry. I’m not going anywhere. Write down anything that you can’t voice in your journal – but GET IT OUT. Talk to your friends. Share your soul. 

Leave space for love and reflection in your life. Be bold. Be strong with your boundaries. Don’t let distractions or hurtful people get more of your energy than they deserve. Ask for help and accept it. Draw, paint, sing, play, and be happy. Embrace the scary silences, because it is in there that the magic happens.

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